Last week I received this message:
Hi Tracy, how can I become unbothered when my partner is looking at another attractive person? The first thoughts I have are "well, they could just be with them if they like them more" and "oh, that must really be their type, why are they with me". I guess I don't check out others when I am in a relationship, so this has always been confusing for me. If they think they are cute, why are they with me? I would so appreciate your advice with this because I have been struggling with this for years, and it is really hard to understand my partner's logic. I guess I want them to only look at me and think I am the most beautiful person in their eyes.
This message struck a particular chord in my heart because it could’ve been written word-for-word by younger me.
I was once so easily made jealous that when a boyfriend slowed down the car at a crosswalk to allow a woman waiting at the corner to cross the street... I took it personally.
“He should’ve just driven past and let her wait,” I thought huffily. “He only slowed down because he probably thinks she’s cute. I know what’s going on in his head! This is proof that he doesn’t really love me!”
It didn’t matter how much he complimented or reassured me — I’d see him glance a little too long at the Victoria’s Secret poster in the mall and I’d become possessed by a demon that would cause me to helplessly sulk for the next 24 hours.
But today...
My boyfriend is around good-looking people all the time (we live in Hollywood), and there is no resentment, no urge to control him, no yearning for him to say that I'm the most beautiful.
When we mention celebrities we find attractive or I notice his gaze going in a certain direction, I feel amusement. I can sleep soundly while he's out socializing. I know he's inevitably going to see women who are hotter than me in real life and online, and now it would take a very particular situation for me to get upset.
I have a history of flirty and cheating exes -- so despite my boyfriend being full of green-flags -- my old demons totally did possess me in the beginning.
I almost ruined this relationship several times.
But I'm a completely different person now.
I'm sharing my story to reassure you that no matter how upset, frustrated, and possessed you may feel right now... this is not the true you.
There is nothing inherently wrong with you. You're not doomed to be this way forever.
Like me, you’ve probably been through some tough stuff at vulnerable points in your life, which has affected the way you see yourself and your relationship.
Like me, you've probably tried everything: trying to look better, trying to deter them from looking at others, trying to get them to reassure you, trying to reassure yourself, trying to track everything they're doing and thinking, trying to reason with them, trying to please them, trying to predict what might happen... everything.
This is completely understandable. Nobody ever taught us a better way to think, see, and handle things like this.
Here's 5 perspective shifts that have helped transform me from constantly anxious and upset, to secure and unbothered.
Also, it's important to first consider the healthiness of your relationship dynamic...(click to expand)
Your partner doesn't actually prefer that attractive person over you.
Your partner checking someone else out does NOT inherently mean that they would rather be with this other person.
It doesn’t automatically imply that you’re no longer attractive in their eyes.
It doesn't mean that they're comparing you in a negative light to this other person.
It doesn’t inherently erase their feelings and attraction to you.
It doesn’t dethrone you from their heart.
All it simply means is that they find this other person really nice to look at.
Sure, they may have a fantasy or two run through their mind...because your partner is a human being with pre-programmed instincts.
That still does NOT automatically mean that your partner no longer loves and wants you.
If this sounds doubtful, I invite you to open your mind and marinate in this possibility.
Think about how we grew up surrounded by looks-centric messaging in shows and movies that unknowingly affected as as impressionable kids. Disney movies: Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, (I can hear Gaston's voice: "...the most beautiful girl in town, that makes her the best!"), the prioritization of beauty in Snow White. Also, all the pop-songs that are tirelessly about body, temptation, and competition.
You may have had painful experiences with exes, crushes, friends, or family members that compared you to others or implied that looks were everything.
(I laughed along with everyone else when some high school “friends” gifted my boyfriend a Hawaiian swimsuit calendar with terrible candid photos of my face glued onto the bikini models... because what else was I supposed to do in the moment — be a party pooper and tell them that they just murdered the tiny wisp of self-esteem I’d been holding onto?)
All of this stuff is brutal on us, our self-identity, and our concept of relationships.
It’s important to see where and why you started believing that someone else’s looks automatically negate your partner’s love and desire for you.
Because the reality is that there are so many relationships in which both parties notice people "more attractive" than their partner... yet they happily stay together and find each other very sexy.
Just because you're walking your dog and you see a super cute dog at the park... it doesn't mean you're going to drop your dog off at the animal shelter and adopt the other dog.
Just because you see a gorgeous sunset in Santorini, doesn't stop you from being utterly moved by the sky in your childhood home town.
What if… it’s completely possible that your partner can look at someone else, and still feel the same way they’ve always felt towards you?
How does your partner ACTUALLY treat you?
If their head turns in the direction of an attractive person, do they actually treat YOU differently?
Do they let go of your hand? Do they push you away? Do they say, "I wish you looked like that?"
(If they do, then you have a more serious issue at hand.)
Or...do they continue to treat you the same as they always have?
This is especially important if you've been mistreated in a previous relationship and are bringing your past experiences into a new (hopefully much healthier) partnership.
You may automatically suspect that your new partner is plotting to leave you for the new coworker that they casually mentioned, or that they're texting someone behind your back -- because that is something your ex would've done.
This is where it's very important to take a pause and remind yourself that this a completely different person that you (hopefully) chose because they treat you with love and respect.
Let your partner show you who they really are.
I had to consciously make an effort to look for solid evidence (ie: NOT my own imaginary assumption) of how my current boyfriend actually behaves and treats me.
And I noticed that while he's ordering us drinks from the super cute bartender (that is totally his type), he's still smiling at me, leaning on me, talking to me like he normally does. Thus, he is still with me. Nothing is currently going wrong. There is nothing concrete to actually get upset about.
Another 'cute animal' analogy:
In your mind, replace the attractive person with a cute animal. Of course your partner notices and looks at the animal -- it's cute. But notice that you're not freaking out about this. So the pain you feel is not about where your partner's attention is, so much so as it is about you assuming that there is a threat against you and your relationship. Which is why it's very important to pay attention to how your partner is actually treating you in real life.
If your partner is still treating you the same as always, then this is proof that it is VERY likely that your partner's feelings for you aren't affected just because someone attractive exists near by.
Focus on the actual facts, the actual evidence of the situation and what your partner is showing you...rather than assuming you know exactly what's going on in their head and jumping to the worst conclusions.
You don't want to be with a shallow partner anyway
If my boyfriend's feelings towards me disappear the moment that someone good-looking walks by... why would I even want to be with someone so shallow and dismissive?
If he is with me solely for my looks, then the relationship has no longevity -- unless I'm willing to go to Cher-like lengths to look the same forever. (And even then there'll always be someone younger and more beautiful than me, so all my efforts would still guarantee me nothing but a ton of debt).
My guess is that you're in this relationship for deeper love and true compatibility for the long-haul, rather than to win a beauty contest.
So if your partner up and leaves the moment they see someone attractive, the relationship wouldn’t have stood the test of time anyway. So it’s good to know this sooner rather than later!
YOU should be checking out other people.
I've worked with many people (including myself) who claimed they don't check out other people while in a relationship... but this isn't the whole truth.
We don't want to allow ourselves to check out other people because we subconsciously believe that it will somehow be hurtful towards our partners, or give them the go-ahead to go and seek out hot folks to look at as well.
Or...we're so fixated on our partners and our identity as their significant other, that we don't allow ourselves to see and enjoy the eye-candy of other people.
(And the truth always is: If the relationship has gone on long enough, we can name at least one person that we've secretly sorta eyeballed. It just felt like a sin, so we lie to ourselves about it.)
But...why? Why don't we allow ourselves the fun of admiring the good looks of other humans, just because we're in a committed relationship?
Because here's the truth:
You denying yourself the visual appreciation of another human's attractiveness only takes away from your experience of life. It doesn't make you a more worthy partner, and it definitely doesn't make your partner stop looking at others.
Humans are sexual animals. Being in a loving, committed relationship doesn't turn us into robots that can suddenly only see the person we're with. We just deprive ourselves out of "loyalty" to our partners, and then we feel resentment when we discover that they still look.
Simply checking someone out does not make you a bad partner. It is not actually hurting or disrespecting your partner. You're simply being a human. Please don't villainize yourself by trying to hold to such rigid impossible standards.
Checking people out, even while in a relationship, is fun and healthy once you have the right mindset about it.
And the biggest thing: Once you realize there's nothing inherently wrong with it -- you can understand so much better how it's completely possible for your significant other to check someone out and remain completely attracted and loyal to you.
I had to consciously practice checking people out. I had to show myself that I could totally have the hots for someone else, and do absolutely nothing about it and happily come home to lovingly snuggle my boyfriend.
I can look at Jason Momoa all day long, and still find my boyfriend as desirable and attractive as ever.
And I was finally free from resentment!
When you allow yourself to enjoy checking out other people, you don't take it so personally or downward spiral to worst-case-scenario-land if your partner's eyeballs perceive someone else.
Sure, you might feel pangs of envy or some pain, especially if that other person has a certain physical feature that you are particularly insecure about. But it won't summon the demons.
And one day you'll surprise yourself by taking your partner's head and turning it in the direction of someone hot, simply because you share their amusement and appreciation of this random person walking by.
Because you understand that it's not a imminent threat. And, you've given yourself the freedom to let your own eyeballs have a good time.
Your looks are simply the topping on the delicious cake.
After living in Hollywood for over ten years, I have seen over and over again how beautiful people don't actually have it all.
There are gorgeous people who struggle to hold down good relationships, who are an insecure immature mess beneath the surface and lack the desirable inner qualities, quirks, and character that YOU have.
In a healthy relationship, you are loved for the depths and complexities of your own uniqueness. You are attractive for so many deeper, better reasons than just your looks.
I think my boyfriend is very handsome, but I love him and stay with him because of his interesting mind, his kind character, his thoughtful nature, the way he treats and regards me, how we get along, his toilet humor, and how nice he is to animals. Oh, and he likes sushi and my family.
My guess is that you are also not with your partner only for their looks. They have a special concoction of qualities that you treasure and adore.
Thus, your partner similarly chooses to be with you because of the combination of all the desirable qualities YOU have. You must own these qualities, uphold this rare mixture that makes you so special and amazing to be with -- and you must see it as even more desirable and valuable than your outer appearance... despite what advertising and media wants you to believe.
If you don't believe this and see this, then you will be blocking yourself from your own feelings of self-love and appreciation -- which then causes you to rely on your partner's gaze for all your external validation. And that's when the demons come out.
Instead of always fixated on how to keep your partner attracted to you, ask yourself: What version of me do I find most attractive, for me?
The more YOU are attracted to yourself as a person...the more you see yourself as someone you respect, admire, and enjoy being around, the more inner worth and love you'll have for yourself.
Conclusion:
Of course I still have insecurities, I’m human. But it doesn’t consume me. I’m 20 years older than when I got upset at my then-boyfriend for looking at lingerie models, but I'm so much more secure within myself, my body, my identity than ever before.
I feel good about who I am as a person — something that I once believed was based on how much my partner validated me, and it feels SO much better to bring my own self-love to my relationship.
I can show up chill, secure, present, and loving...for my relationship and myself.
If you want to exorcise your demons and transform who you are in your relationship, I invite you to come work with me and become the partner with unmistakable self-love.
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